Woohoo … I *should* be celebrating 4/20 today with a whole bunch of smoke in the sunshine, but instead I am totally sober and staying that way. For today, anyway.

I didn’t make a decision to stop smoking MJ this month, but I went on an epic (for me) trippy ten-night travel adventure that involved a whole lot of riding on trains.

While I *could have* packed pot and carried it with me with absolutely no problem whatsoever, I didn’t want to use any mind-altering drugs on this journey; my ultimate destination and the travel itself were an abundance of trippiness that I wanted to be completely lucid and present for.

By the evening of the Big Event I traveled halfway across the country for, I was experiencing symptoms of having caught one or more contagious bugs: not surprising — I pretty much expected to get sick on this trip, being in such close quarters with people on the train for multiple days on end. But being sick is a mind-altering experiencing in and of itself, too, so on top of the travel and the spacy-awesomeness of why I was on the road (rails) to begin with, I had enough going on in my head and lungs without THC clouding my experience.

When I finally got home, I could barely function as I was still sick and super-exhausted on top of it. Again, I did not want to confuse symptoms for intoxication and vice versa, and/or make breathing even more difficult, so I continued to abstain.

On top of all of that, though, I recognize that it’s really hard to break habits. So when I am able to stop smoking (or otherwise consuming THC) without even trying, I am reluctant to start it up again. This goes for anything I’ve stopped using, even if unintentionally; I want to make sure I ask myself “do I really really want or need this so much that I’d put myself through the struggle of having to stop  using it again later? If not, why resume?”

Even though I don’t have any huge clear reasons for wanting to NOT smoke pot right now, it is enough just to have quit without trying, and want to experience more clarity: the clarity that comes with sobriety right now, and the clarity that may come down the road where I decide I would really enjoy getting high and mindfully deciding to do it, rather than just doing it because I can, because it’s there, because it’s easy.

*****

Having said that, there are definitely a bunch of pros and cons to not using weed to get high.

A pro is that I am far less likely to overindulge in unhealthy things like overeating. I am carrying around way more weight on my body than my feet and joints were designed for, and it is PAINFUL. In between having a really limited food budget on my trip and getting sick, I am a couple of pounds lighter; it feels good. I would like to be in a healthier body before I consider smoking again.

Honestly there are some pretty big cons to not smoking, too; as I write this and reflect on it, those are coming more to the forefront (and making me imagine them as bigger and more clear than they really are). One con is that it is one less tool I have for eliminating certain distractions; without getting stoned, I feel like I’m missing out on chances to really zoom around doing housework with total energetic focus, or laze around watching TV with my wife without wanting to get up and do other things (truth be told though, half the time I feel like that even more when I smoke pot; there are no clear guarantees I’ll feel more relaxed).

I also rely on pot quite a bit to treat headaches and certain kinds of pain. When I have migraines, they sometimes are unbearable, even with other meds. Pot is often the best additional remedy that can push me over from terrible suffering into tolerable living, or at least being able to eat and sleep.

Anyway … I’m grateful for having been granted a reprieve from habitually partaking of THC. I’m not sure how long I’ll abstain from using it, but I’m going to be mindful about it and try to focus on doing the things I think are more fun (or more efficient, or more better somehow) when high to observe whether that is true … whether I really “need” it to feel that way. When I’m dancing. When I’m taking walks. When I’m stretching or doing the dishes or playing the piano.